Relapse: Keep Your Eye On Me

Keep your eye on me …

I need you to see this

Be this, not what I desire you to be

I silently take this, make this my home…

Broken by words and lack of action

My heart has been fashioned in the skill of delusions

Illusions of  a you and me turned we that would never  be

Keep your eye on me…

Patience for a goal never built to attain

Red stains on everything that is touched…

Is it enough that I waited for you to treat me right

Back down from fights where you force me to believe you are a good man

forcing a hand already in your favor

only bitterness savored…

I wanted to take care of you

That’s what Good women are supposed to do

But instead… I dread sharing my feelings of any kind

while you stay blind and consider only your perception…

Upon the end of the road, I come to know what it is you really feel…

Care was never real as you explain me away as an obligation

saying you let plenty of things go and you told me you didn’t want me

How was I supposed to know when you request me to undress?

When you assure me you aren’t going anywhere and my patience I need to press

Yes…

That definitely shows your disdain

That show alone makes things simple and plain…

All you had to say was “all I ever want to be is friends”

Then you wouldn’t have had to endure my questions every now and again

Asking if my feelings of coldness from you were a sign…

Instead you  say “friends for now” and “at the right time”

You never wanted me…

You made me think that you did…

So excuse me for flipping my FUCKING lid

That was my breaking point, telling me that you care

and you only fucked me because I happened to be there.

Keep your eye on me, baby…

Because I’ll still hold you dear,

for you I will give my life

My cause is sincere

Keep your eye on me, love…

Because I’m wearing your favorite color

Do you see me, lover

The red that flows through my veins Is now dripping from my hands

In an effort to make it plain that I wish to please you with the things you like

Keep your eye on me…

I need you to see what lengths I’ll go to keep you,

to make you the one…

I need you  to take me in my perfect state

This can’t be left undone…

Keep you eye on me…

See what happens when you leave me,

Every trace of red love leaving my body…

without it I can’t sleep, can’t breathe, can’t be…

I can’t let you leave me…

Keep your eye on me…

What I Want To Say…

I want to say…

I need you to…

Hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright

I need to believe you

I want you to take control of my body and make me feel like nothing  else exists in that moment except you and I

Root yourself inside of me with the depth of passion and physical person…

Feel me…

All of me…

And feel what I need from you in every inch of my body

Kiss away the tears…

Caress my anxieties away…

Make me feel safe

Put all that I once feared at bay…

Even if its myself  that I fear

I need you…

But I can never tell you…

♥

Negotiations: Explicit Articulation

I am pleased to present a collaborative endeavor with @EndlessInkPen (Aka Devin)!!! This is pure happenstance and the result of quite the fun exchange one evening!! Let me/us know what you think!! (^_^)

Grab a match.

Slip the latch

and let’s whip up

a batch of fun

until we both catch one…

…or a few….

…far more than two.

Just let that cauldron brew

such a savory stew…

each morsel dripping free…

………..like dew.

I’m more than happy

you are willing

to oblige me.

My imagination…

Fueled on the thought

of you being inside me.

Drive me like a daredevil:

Running speed and swerve.

I can only hope

that you are eager

to get your hands

on my curves….

More eager than

my resolved demeanor

may imply.

If you’re keen enough,

you’ll notice the hunger

in my eye.

I’ll be sure

not to let

one second pass by

without the warmth

of my hands gliding

freely between your thighs.

You’ll salivate

whilst I captivate

with the sensual authority

of a seductive magistrate

on his conquest

to circumvent and navigate

past flesh laden valleys

a mile high in glorious design…

……………………………

……Care to be my concubine?

…Yes…

Yes; but a concubine

cannot cater to you as I can.

I have the skills aplenty

that can please any man.

I stand…

to give you what you want

and everything you need;

whether you find yourself

between my thighs

or if I’m pleasing you

…on my knees.

Please believe:

Upon arrival,

You will neither want

nor need another.

Let me please you

and I’ll prove

you’ll never need

another lover…

By: Devin Metz and Amber Chardonnay

I Wonder If He Knows

*This piece albeit seemingly dark in nature is about if we know when wonder and hope becomes an excuse for staying in a situation that isn’t good for us. At what point do you realize there is more for you than being there for someone else more than yourself?*

I wonder if he knows, that seeing him so much is me saying goodbye
That I’ve tried to change my demeanor, so much so, it has all become lies

I wonder, did he see my attempts asking, begging for his help
Or did he see it as something else… I wonder if he could tell

I wonder if he knows why, that night, I wanted to stay…
So he could be the first to greet me on one of the last few days

Does he sense my fear in open affection, in being who I am
Brought on by his attitude of proving he’s in charge, that he’s the man…

I wonder what would happen if he actually listened to what I said…
Instead of thinking and projecting me as a threat

Would he see how much I am hurt and what part of it he owns these days
Would he look at me for real and the love I give him in my gaze

I wonder if he knows how much I die each time he tells me he’s proud
Tis simply taunting under a positive shroud

But now its too late. I can’t take much more…
I have to leave this world… To hell with settling scores

It may take more than being vocal, more than being gone to make him understand
He wasn’t the only one not willing to hold my hand.

All of this yielding, all of this pretense that’s put up… More by him than I…
Has finally begun to kill me and I’ll stall it no longer… Its time to say goodbye

This way I’m no longer a burden and everyone keeps their power
My final departure will be marked by a gift of flowers

And I wonder, for me, what this journey has in store
I just know in each step there is love, and that never lessens but always grows and becomes more

Leaving makes me feel stronger, makes my decisions feel more sound
I wonder if he can accept it, and pick up my parting flower off the ground…

I met myself a poet

I met myself a poet… And he makes me smile
We’ve exchanged words, messages for a little while.
And I can’t help but get lost in my imagination
I imagine so much for him I think of myself caught in a bout of infatuation…
I imagine him and what his kiss would feel like…
All over my lips, neck, and hips and how It’d feel just right…
Every word in every message that we send back and forth
Makes me remember how its the little things that mean so much more…
Seeing his true self through his words makes me wanna undress
It’s his words that I read that make me want to be his next conquest,
His muse, and inspiration…
I wonder what kind of dedication
He would give to my body and to light my souls flame
Simply based on the passion he gives words on a page…

I imagine coming home with him after drink and dance
Make my body take his mind to a blissful state of trance
To make those hands that write words with such passion and force
Feel me, please me, let nature takes its course
I imagine my lips on him, his hands on me
Making sensual poetry that speaks of ecstasy…
Mutual movement with the sweetness of honey and smoothness of cream
We compose works of art on each other until taken by sleep filled with artistic dreams…

But even so, I wake up and find myself alone
But to my welcome surprise, what woke me was my poets message tone…

“Good morning”

Second Thoughts

When I started I was more than unsure

Barely had energy to be curious, my broken heart was looking for a cure

When we met I planed to con him in his intoxicated state

But then he intrigued me, inquired why I had no mate

It caught my attention, because who asks that so soon?

Especially to a person you just plan to take back to the room

He started out blazing then turned cold as ice

I began to think he was sating me, just trying to be nice

He assured me he was in while reminding me why he wasn’t

Ready for me… good news with an alternative undercurrent

I’m starting to forget the reason for my intrigue

I’ll be damned if hes right, I’m out of my league

The last time I felt this way, much less was spoken

The last time I felt that way my heart got broken…

smashed… shattered…

All that was left, all that stood was my shell.. beaten and tattered

Call me sacred if you want, but I’m seeing red flags

If I see any more, I’m not just leaving I’m packin my bags

You’ll never see me again.

Nor hear me or read me, there will be no one with to mend

But tonight, I’m done I cut no slack.

Tonight its over, no looking back

Because I have my own goals, I must stay on track

Don’t get me wrong, I was almost ready

But just as I stepped out, I’m pulling back. But not as slow, not as steady…

Dear Lover Man/Man of my dreams

Dear Lover Man/Man of My Dreams/Mr Right
CC: Mr. Right-Now

Plainly put, I’m not ready for you yet. Well… Let me elaborate…

I’m ready for being treated well and appreciated
I’m ready for the good… No great love you are ready to give me
I’m more than ready to love you… I think
I could go on and on about what I’m ready for…

But what I’m not ready for is the haters and negative attention we would get for finding each other. The rumors, the past, general shit that doesn’t matter… Sheer stupidity, assumed ulterior motives and lack of communication…
I’ve lost before because of that kind of pointless drama…

Look. The bottom line is, right now being with you may mean my biz is out in the street. If I’m alone, I control what’s out there… With you not so much… Just an inference of your existence becomes headline news  and makes me wanna punch the town crier in the face and I get upset and tend to stress! And that stress is prolly gonna make me lose you anyway… Not. Cool.

I want to be stronger than that before I get into a relationship… I want it to be at a point where it truly doesn’t matter what they say no matter how much they say it… I want the two of us to be beyond assumption and into communication… K?

K.

Amber Chardonnay

Well…

Well…

What do you expect from me

I have to take you more seriously.

There is more risk involved than with simplistic casual contact

I told you from the start… You’ve always known that.

What the FUCK else do you expect that I do

No one has gotten inside, been with me since you

Don’t shun me for fooling around, having my fun, be it once in a blue moon

When I’m reminded by you that our time, if it happens, is every time but soon.

I wait and I listen, yet still called impatient

Respect you, your status and space, try to remain latent

But I’m punished by you whether you know it or not

You jump me when you are short tempered, I wish that would fucking stop.

You have never once apologized for the assault or disrespect

Yet I find you prefer to poke holes and discredit what I recollect

How much of this gets rationalized and written off to your stressors

How long can I still be comforted by the smell of cologne that sits on your dresser

Just stop. Don’t discount me, I found strength to tell the others no.

Stop. I have said more than once. Its you and you alone.

You recieve the explanations that no one else gets

And still constantly simplify my weaknesses as simple sex

Yes, when you looked down at my face you saw pain

But blaming you for the cause I fight thus far successfully to abstain

All I’m asking is hold me, confirm my thoughts of esteem

Or if not, give me the solace of knowing that you are as cold as you seem

I almost want my credit for the multiple counts of oversight and discretion

But you would simply add me to your “shit that stresses me” collection

And…

Well…

I lose sleep too

Some, is over you

But what is the point, I wonder, of wishing…

Wishing for a time to come when we can actually pull off this thing

Don’t ask me why I’m taking this seriously

You don’t seem to grasp the risks one takes to be with me

I don’t have to explain that to you, even if i did would you understand?

You can’t judge my rationale regardless, just know I plan no harm to come to you by my hand

Are you sure you aren’t like the others, here to poke at and use

The same as the “supermen” that when I really need help use that as an exit cue…

Cuz here I stand, a bona fide damsel in distress

Waiting, sitting here in the wreckage, in rubble and mess

With only my aggravation and tired tears

I wonder if its delusion or if you are becoming the embodiment of my fears

Still I wait, a latent lady, just here for support…

Even if as call for solace you… one of those fucking supermen… refuses to report

You’re a dick. (Rant)

I. FUCKING. Hate. You.

Me, willing to move mountains to make you happy, willing to please you however I can compromising self and standards.

For. You.

Is it enough that I am forced to be content with becoming invisible to keep up a ridiculous appearance that benefits no one but yourself? And to keep “drama” to a minimum?

Riiight

But that’s my fault too… I make sure its done to keep you happy… With me at least.

That’s a joke.

When you are upset or stressed or depressed… Who feels that? Hm?

I do.

Because my timing is wrong, because me trying to keep up with what’s going on with you causes you stress. So you take it out on me and never apologize even when I’m calm and its not my fault… But I take it because I care about you. And I just want you to be ok.

Its like you don’t even want to be seen with me. When we go out its always on borrowed time. You don’t call.

You refuse to tell me what’s going on between us… Simply being coy or acting like I should know, when because of your moodswings I sometimes doubt that you want me around. At all.

Fights are always my fault, I’m supposed to be patient… For what? I’m thinking that I’m the in-between until things get better and then you’ll leave me along with your rebound shortcomings

I. Hate. You.

How many times have I wasted resources and effort only to be turned away? How many time have you projected your bullshit onto me?

My list of regrets is sky-high. I should have just fucked you and sent you back to your friends, and never spoken to you again. I should have left your drunk ass where I found you. I should have stopped trying to defend a grown ass man long ago. I should have realized I should have let silence be silence and let that first fight be our last.

What kind of good man requests the demeanor and protocols of a mistress with his actions and says otherwise when FINALLY prodded for an answer in words.

I guess you are only for me when no one is looking… I came out of the closet years ago in one way… I won’t let you put me back there in another.

You want me to stop my self sabotaging, I want you to stop taking shit out on me when I’m trying to get things straight. You want me to be patient, I want you to stop playing me for a damn fool.

I am a good woman… I’ve told you that for the last time. But you won’t care because its cool if I leave… You don’t intend to try anything with me, right?

Fuck. You.

Chardonnay

Mr. Strong Smart and Sober

I thought my wiles only worked on the drunk, dumb & wounded,

So how am I now in this strong, smart and sober man’s bed…

I feel how bad he wants me, Mr. Strong smart and sober…

Not only does his body turn me on, his intelligence brings me closer…

and closer…

To being out of control,  somehow this man has a hold on my mind body AND soul…

Every single part of me became his for the taking…

A mere touch or the simple sound of his voice could have me shaking…

I almost couldn’t take what he was giving, and almost couldn’t give what he wanted to take

But then and only then did I feel I started living… my heart came alive, pounding, making my entire soul quake

This was much different than the drunken lust I have encountered many times previous,

There was less game, more truth, less urge to be manipulative, devious…

Mr. Strong Smart and Sober seemed to possess the key…

The key to unlock the Strong Smart and Powerful woman within me.

Not to say, of course, I didn’t use those traits before,

But since he brings them out in a positive way, it means so much more

And to this day he’s with me and I won’t leave his side.

This man who’s Strong Smart and Sober may make me a true love’s bride.